Dans ce moment

First on the agenda:
I don't fear change. In fact, I thrive off of change. I fear redundancy, and I fear being caught in a loop. I get chills when people talk about fate, as if our lives have already been written down and we are just actors in a sequence playing for some ethereal, heavenly (or otherworldly) audience. I can't stand the thought of staying in the same place for hours, days, years. I need to be moving, I want to move on with my life. I like to begin things, and sometimes, even if I am dreading it externally, I even like things to end. I am like Pocahontas:

"What I love most about rivers is:
You can't step in the same river twice
The water's always changing, always flowing
But people, I guess, can't live like that
We all must pay a price
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing
What's around the riverbend?
Waiting just around the riverbend?"

I think I fear my lack of fear of change. Won't I inevitably then find myself always unhappy? If I always need something more and something different, how can I ever be satisfied?

I fear I am boring, bland, and posing as someone half-interesting. I think I do things for the wrong reasons, and all the time. I do things because people tell me to do them and they sound exotic and exciting when I first hear them. I continue to do things I don't even think I like because it's what people expect me to do. It's what I expect me to do. People lay down a path for me to walk on, and I walk down on it because it's what I should do. I guess it's easy, even though I think it might be battering my lungs with its inert wrongness and...yeesh. I do things for the sake of the importance of having a title, a label, something for someone to be proud of me for. I do these things so that I am not just another face in the wall of dreary high school students. I think it is too important to me that I stand out. I think it is wrong for me to go on underneath a label I don't even think I care about anymore.

Do we mistake passion for natural ability? I mean, if you're stupendously good at something- not just sort of, or fairly- is it your responsability to follow through with it? Or is it really because you love doing it? Or, rather, do you love doing it because you insatiably can't get enough of whatever it is, or because you're naturally very good at it and can get recognition for hardly working at all? Is it wrong that I think that?
I don't understand life.
Tonight I am in a weird place in my mind.
It is 10:45. That is a strange, awkward time.
I feel like I don't know what I'm doing right now.


I wish I could play guitar.
I wish I knew what I truly love to do. There has to be something.

(I'm getting desperate. I fear that there is nothing I am supposed to do with my life.)