Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Un araignee de trop

I can't remember starting
And I can't imagine finishing

This time of year feels wrong to me. Everything is slowing down instead of picking up- everything is being put together, instead of falling apart. You'd think that wouldn't stress me out. But actually, I think a lack of proper schedule and a cave-in of all rigid structure messes with my brain and holds on to my ribcage too tightly.

If this is summertime, where are the soft whispers of sun and adoration on my skin?

I don't know how I feel today. I feel excited, and worried, and upset with myself, and battered. I feel up and down, and in and out, but not all around. If I was going on a bear hunt, I would have to go through it.
Through what:

  • A forest of tutus
  • A sea of ignored sheet music
  • A valley full of polynomial equations
  • A castle packed with guilt and need 
  • The Land Before Time
"IT DOES NOT DO TO DWELL ON DREAMS AND FORGET HOW TO LIVE."

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Si je continue d'attendre.

And when I want to sleep, you need to move

But somehow it works out
And I need you to know that
It can always work out
Regardless of stains, trains, automobiles
Countries, universities, guitars
And I think I need you to worry about it
Just so I'm not alone

Sometimes it feels so lonely, and I need your hand in mine so bad.
 

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Je ne verais jamais au lune...

But I may go to Paris in June.

...Not this june. It just rhymed with the title is all.

I love the rain. I love how it is fresh and I love how it curls my hair and I love how when I run around in it, my boyfriend laughs at me. I love how Hannah doesn't like it, and how Allison acts like an affronted cat when forced to be a part of it. I wonder, Allison...You don't like the rain, and you are frightened of the sun. How does such a person go on? I guess the answer is is that you are indeed a crazy cat lady, through and through.

Lately, I have been concurring upon many things.
Lately, I have been singing more and more.
Lately, I have been drinking more chai tea.
Lately, I have been caring again.

I have decided to become an art therapist.

I am much too easily swayed by anyone and anything that seems to know its way around the playing field better than I.

I have decided to become a hummingbird
As soon as I grow old
So that although my limbs slow down
Still I'll be a sight to behold
My wings a-flutter
My heart a-stutter
Full of wonderful, hummingbird things
Like helium balloons
And hollow bones
And operas and cyclones
That twirl and swirl
And color the world
With feelings unfurled
And feelers uncurled
And wings of neon, painted eons ago
To celebrate
To commemorate
To procreate
To reinstate
To conjugate
To disinflate
To mediate
To meditate
To dissipate
To reawait
To modulate
To interrelate
Like Alexander the Great
And the Aloha State.
My mother tells me I can be
Anything I want to be
I'm going to be a hummingbird
Or a cephalopod.


Hi, my name is Marc Blucas. I am sexy. I may have to have a battle with Jared Padalecki in the future.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Si je te tiens avec assez de force

Maybe my cliches would be like glue


Sometimes the winds are cold in a friendly way and sometimes the sun shines in an obnoxious unfriendly way. But you shine like the moon and blow like a tropical breeze and your skin smells like warm rain.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

J'en supplie...

I guess I should ask a question.

If you were a fish, and you jumped out of your dish and discovered you could fly and didn't actually need to be in the water any longer, where would you go? What would you do?

Dans l'absence de mon amoureux

Unproven potential...
But if the potential isn't ever proven, what good is it? Do you even know it's there? This sounds suspiciously like a question that's supposed to be deep, and maybe I'm just not delving into it enough....
Never mind. I'm going to delve.

I will explain my opinion on this topic by relating to you, dear friends, three examples.

There is a little girl around the block by my house. Her name, for the sake of this example, will be Annie. She lives in an upside down teepee. But that is beside the point. The real point is that, in her heart, she knows she is a wonderful scuba diver. She understands the meaning of her deep appreciation for the slow grace that is bestowed upon waterlogged objects. She can relate to the feelings of the fish who swim in the water- the contentment they find in the secure blanket of weight and silk that oceans provide them with. She thrives in anoxic areas. (Not really. That would be weird. And we want this example as legitimate as possible.)
Although Annie is sure of her destiny and sure of her potential of being said scuba diver, she is absolutely unable to become a scuba diver. You see, she lives in Calgary. There is no ocean in Calgary, and her parents keep her locked up in a tower doing math homework for the rest of her life. There is no escape.
So. In this situation, we can see that unproven potential is worth absolutely nothing. It will not help her in the long run, ever.

Actually, you know what, I'm bored of this question and it's time for bed. So let me sum up the other two examples. I can think of three alternate situations that relate to our inner selves not materialising to their maximum extent. There is the first example, in which it is physically impossible to prove potential; it is therefore worthless and probably will make you miserable in the long run because you know (somehow) that you were made to be a scuba diver or a concert digeridooist and now you can't because of things like overprotective, tower-building, physicist parents or overprotective, stick-breaking, physicist parents and maybe you'll even end up mangling yourself and/or others in return of life's futility.
The second alternative I can muster up in my current state of mind would be that you don't know about your 'potential.' Because really, if it's completely unproven, that should mean it isn't even proven to yourself. I mean, what if you've seen all the instructional videos on envelope making there is to see? What if you've watched Hallmark greeters for hours making envelopes? What if you know by heart the pattern of the folding, the cutting, the gluing...what if you are so bloody confident in your envelope making skills that you decide FINALLY you are ready to prove your potential to the world and yourself and you fail? Your hands are covered in paper cuts and you are doomed to handing out damaged cards for the rest of your life. Was the potential ever even there? What makes us think we have potential, if it's unproven, anyways? That's a little paradoxical, if you think about it...
The last alternative that my brain can see is that you have the potential (somehow you know this without proving it, although how anyone can know something without proving it is proving to be a complicated, nonsensical entity in my frontal lobe) to be, to do, to see, and yet willingly and consciously you do nothing about it. This too, would be categorized as 'unproven'. But if you know (or have proved...fack) that you have this potential, why wouldn't you want to share it? I don't know. This question has too many loopholes.
Finally, on the potential for a person being good or bad...
Rachel's right, I think. In a way. There is potential either way. We are all born a blank slate. So to speak. I'm not completely an existentialist, but I do think that if someone hides their 'evil' away all their life, they were never evil in the first place. If nobody thinks you're evil, if you never 'prove' your potential for evil, or good for that matter, you cannot be categorized as such.

...Fack.
And Katie, I don't want to answer your question.
I like people who don't ask questions like that. Because it requires no thinking. I like nice people who are funny and outgoing and sexy. I don't like boring, fat, ugly people. I am just as prejudiced as this whole entire world, and so are you.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Assez des questions, je veux dormir...

I had a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day. Just like Alexander.
Let me tell you all about it, in point form.

  • It all started out normal enough. Except that I wanted a smoothie, and someone had hid my blender.
  • Mr. McKnight was NOT in tutorials, as promised. I later found out that he was at the track meet. I have a bone to pick with that rescheduled track meet. It also took away my boyfriend when I was having a bad day. But on math teachers: for this treacherous offense, I shall read to Mr. McKnight the section on how math is useless that is located in my book from Eric.
  • French essay. 'Nuff said. 
  • Except not actually. Because we ALREADY WROTE AND HANDED IN AN ESSAY ON THE EXACT SAME TOPIC. So, that's stupid. Also, no french thesauruses left. Which means I spent about the whole period thinking up synonyms on my lonesome. Which I am bad at. Mildly.
  • I don't like pastel.
  • I don't like that girl who keeps coming into out art class.
  • Becca's strange candy was strange at lunch. Also heard about an eminent math test I was going to fail next period.
  • Failed a math test, probably. Because there was trigonometry on it. I'm sorry, when did you forget that there is no trigonometry in Math 20? Oh, right. While you were writing said test. Also, what happened to only putting textbook questions on the test? Oh, right. It didn't happen.
  • Amy's honesty was a plus, however.
  • Taryn also parked very close to the school today.
  • And Emily was practically early.
  • And we went to Starbucks.
  • But then I had forgotten my keys to the studio...which I still need to locate. Yeesh.
  • My girls were good today. Thank the Lord.
  • People in my tap class annoy me. Plus my tap is loose because there is a screw missing. I am missing a few screws.
  • There were no whole grain raspberry muffins.
  • My ballet teacher thinks I'm slow. And I forgot a bodysuit, so I had to wear our X-Rated costume for the whole class. That I have missed for 2 weeks. So I don't know that dance. Plus my pointe shoes are wearing out before recital.
  • I come home and discover my nose feels like spurting blood for the past 20 minutes again. Thank you, nose. Now I feel nauseous. And like coughing up blood.

 I think I'll move to Australia.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

La construction des oeuvres

Question: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Response: Hannah, I think it is ironic and in a non-funny way that you pose this question, as this question is the question that scares you the most. I don't know if it scares me so much as overwhelms me; and not even that...Most importantly, I think, is that I don't actually know how it makes me feel, which frightens me the most.
I will begin as Rachel has begun; in 10 years, I will be 27. This can mean many things, and also very little: It means I will be closer to 50 than 0, it means I will be either hugely successful and stable somewhere along the West coast, or living in a dingy shack in (perhaps) Venezuela. Perhaps I will be in love - perhaps I will have a small child whose name is affiliated somehow with the month they were born. Perhaps I will make them eat porridge and drink chai tea every morning. Perhaps they will be at nursery school today. Perhaps they will be visiting their Auntie Katie whilst I am away with the Literate Four on a trip to Italy.
Perhaps I will be happy. I'm sure I will be happy. I never picture myself as unhappy, because that is just negative reinforcement and quite uninspiring. Perhaps Hannah and I will have made it big on Broadway; perhaps Hannah has, and I am her backup dancer. Perhaps Ryan will be a track star, or perhaps a geophysicist, or a raptor police officer. Perhaps we will still be able to stand one another.
I will spend all my money on good books and bookshelves that are nearly falling apart. I will eat whole grain pasta and Nutella. I will still dance, I will still sing, maybe I will even still paint and play piano.
I will be 27.