Pas de coeur de lion; des oreilles de chauve-souris

so try to be somebody
hang my head break my heart built from all I have torn apart
so try to feel somebody

walks through the garden rows, in her bare feet, laughing
so try to leave somebody

please remember me fondly
so try to be somebody 

lover, please do not fall to your knees

it's not as if i believe in

je sais quelques coeurs qui sont les plus pures que j'ai jamais connu

I don't know what I have done in my life to deserve such wonderful, wonderful friends. I can honestly and happily (and between sobs) admit that 2/3 cries today have been because of the astounding wonderfulness of these people. There are friends, and there are you guys.
I don't even want to write a blog about you, except to hope that maybe you'll appreciate it a fraction of the amount I am appreciating you right now.

Emily Hyrcha, you wonderful, wonderful tea-bringer. I'm sorry I started to cry on you when you gave me your card and your lovely presents in the form of tea bags and silly jokes about rabbits. I'm still shocked when people do those types of things for me. You have no idea how much that meant to me. I knew my day would probably be a little better right from the get-go because of that.

Hannah Unterschultz, who has been sending me goodnight texts and buying me tea and offering me everlasting support, love, hugs, and presence. I can't even say....I can't. I can't imagine what sort of mental state I would be in if you were not in my life right now. A dangerous one, probably lacking in frontal lobe action.

Rachel Schneider, I don't know how you manage to be so attuned to everyone's feelings, needs and emotions, do all your social homework for your less adept friends to scribble down in class beside you, add a kajillion billion cheer-up songs onto your stupid depressed friends iPods, balance your blood sugar and heroin intake, and look hot while doing it. I watched your little video on my iPod and I felt renewed after a bit of a stumble of an afternoon. I then went on to the blog homepage; and I honestly just started to bawl when I read your page.

It means so much to me that all of you are there for me, as well as for the other party involved, in such a difficult time. I have never been so unsure of myself.

I have never felt so loved.


(Well...yes, I have.)
(But that's kind of the point.)

do you remember
alpacas and vitamin water?

je deteste les poetes

...who am I kidding? I have nothing to say anyways.
I'm going to fail my math test, I'm going to lose all my social marks because I'm studying music history in social class, I'm still going to fail my music history test, I can't keep myself together for longer than 20 minutes, my toes ache, my back hurts, musical theatre makes me happy and it makes me feel bad,
and christmas is no fun like this
anyways

more pictures
i think so
to delay my shower, i don't like undressing, i need this protective layer of robe/dirt


do you remember going on a long long
long
long
long
long
'bikeride'

un de plus

Je ne peux pas je ne peux pas

for all those looking back a year

well, life sucked right then.

it sucks right here too.

You say that you're leaving

Well that comes as no surprise

Still I kinda like this feeling

Of being left behind 

Yea this ain't nothing new to me

Well it's just like going home

It's kinda like those sunsets

That leave you feeling so stoned 

Hey hey I guess it hasn't hit me yet

I fell through this crack

And I kinda lost my head

I stand transfixed

Before this street light

Watching the snow fall

On this cold December night 

I never thought this could happen

But somehow the feeling is gone

You got sick of the patterns

And I got lost in this song 

Hey hey I guess it hasn't hit me yet

I fell through this crack

And I kinda lost my head

I stand transfixed

Before this streetlight

Watching the snow fall

On this cold December night 

Hey hey I guess it hasn't hit me yet

I fell through this crack

And I kinda lost my head

I stand transfixed

Before this streetlight

Watching the snow fall

On this cold December night 

And out in the middle of Lake Ontario

The same snow is falling

On the deep silent water

The great dark wonder

Into the waves of my heart

Into the waves of my heart

Of my heart...

Pendant que j'attends pour mon the a rafraichir

1. Where are you, Christmas?
2. It hit me like a bus that all of these wonderful people I know now, I will probably (conceivably) not remember or think of in a year from now.
3. Also, I have no idea where or in what state of mind I will be in, in a year from now.
4. Not that anybody does.
5. Misery really does love company.
6. I want your music. (I shouldn't. Good Lord, what is wrong with me?)
7. But I don't actually.
8. Misery is seriously involved with company. They're seeing each other. Seriously.
9. I still want to chop off all my hair.
10. H....E....P....
11. What a strange combination of well-wishers and therapists.
12. Everyone knows but me.
13. Zat You, Santa Claus?

franchement, je suis nue, je suis vide

I don't remember where we started
Oh wait yes I do
"there's a beginning, and an end-
God, it's the root of everything."

more pictures I think

(and reverse)

Pomegranates and winter weddings.

alleluia

The lonely, or the broken Hallelujah?

I remember everything.
God, I remember- that's why everything inside me is breaking so much.

Ah non! Un coccinelle!

Sometimes, my life feels like a Blue Rodeo song.
But more probably, I just wish my life was a Blue Rodeo song, and my life really has not much, if anything, to do with a Blue Rodeo song.

It's nice to know that it's my bedtime, and I don't have to go to bed.
Erin Evoy; I know we never talk, but thanks for reading my blog and understanding me. Katie McLean told me you understood my last blog. I'm not sure if you understood how it applied to my life, but I hope it applied to your life also. It seems our blogs do that for one another. I think that's kind of funky. Like how we were good friends in PE 10. That was funky too. I appreciate it. And you.

-I want to live in a house full of teapots and books.
- Chris Hope, you have no family? And you're sick? Your life sucks, man.
- Hey, Rach/Allison? I miss you collectively, and I resent Germany for taking you away from me. Hannah and I are seeing way too much of each other. We're starting to understand each other, even with her frustration noises and made up words and my oral dyslexia. That's a bad thing, we think.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, LIFE. STOP BEING A BITCH.

-I hate birds.

"Like all the things that are left behind
Yeah, it hurts for awhile and then you find
Some days, it's just better to feel 
Dead inside
Until that day
You're born to love again."

HEIN

"Camelot is the most famous castle and court associated with the legendary King Arthur.  The stories locate it somewhere in Britain and sometimes associate it with real cities, though more usually its precise location is not revealed. Most scholars regard it as being entirely fictional, its geography being perfect for romance writers; Arthurian scholar Norris J. Lacey commented that "Camelot, located no where in particular, can be anywhere". 






NOT TIME TRAVEL

s'il vous plait, s'il vous plait

we were just kids
we ran like water

shelter
fate
forever
last train
home

Je ne peux pas prier, donc j'ecris

I want to cut off all my hair.

Growing pains;
I had this box, full of things. Things that didn't fit. Things that weren't forgotten, because they weren't ever there to forget. Things that were passed over, like a Jesus watch or a broken can opener or a dried, cranberry colored petal or a brisk fall evening where everything is calm. Into the box I dove headfirst, and I made things from all that paraphernalia, all those bits of costume jewellery and clay elephants and half-finished crossword puzzles.
And tea leaves.
I made first feet, and then a body to be carried upon them. I made it to sturdy, so I could lean into it and dissolve myself in its strength and capacity to endure. Bits of drywall and paper mache and leaf veins. Hedgehog quills and cassettes and sticky nail polish. Pencil crayons.
Cornflakes.
Slowly, I used up everything in my box. There was nothing left.
Now I fit inside my box, and you are standing sturdy outside.
I am a turtle, too small and too large simultaneously for my shell. And as comfortable as I am, I'm not moving and know that as long as I am in my box, I don't think I can. But my box needs to be filled, and if I leave, I will need to break down my statue, and leave it for another to build up. And they might do it all wrong.

I can't do this on my own. 
Give me something to sing about.
I'm bad at being alone.

C'est Novembre?

I'm bad at singing love songs,
I'm bad at ping pong

Things are happening to me. I definitely didn't sign any forms permitting this. I read all the fine print.
The worst part is, I'm happy and crazy and I'm being selfish. Am I ever selfish? I want to know. Do I come across as a selfish person?
I feel like I'm missing a crucial part of information, a fall-back option. To fall back upon.
My lower back is very warm right now.
I'm cold thinking about this.

Auf Wiedersein, ps.