En cherchant la lune

en cherchant la lune,
nous avions trouver les etoiles

And if you noticed in those split seconds where our hands were meeting in simplicity and our pulses in

synchronocity

Then you would've felt at home like I did with the moon so large and round and unable to find and the mosquitoes getting jiggy and the dry prairie grass itchy and yet reminding us of why summer is the season that will keep in our hearts the longest; the season with the longest best-before date. I think its because its the only season where we have to stay up late to see the sun set completely.

...more on these things tomorrow. For now, time to sleep.

Je veux

Songs/Cds I want now, because it's time for new summer music:

• Sarah McLachlan- Laws of Illusion
• Justin Nozuka- You I Wind Land and Sea
• Jack Johnson- To the Sea
• The Five Ghosts (1/2)- Stars
• Save Me, San Francisco - Train

I just thought I would share. And now I fear I have a date with my backyard and my book. So long, abrasive artificial computer light.

Les visions des elephants roses

And now it's summer.

Also, I have developed a sort of manical obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Especially the musical episode. But generally, just all of it.

My mind is alarmingly numb right now. I have nothing to remark or complain about...probably something to do with the whole carefree summer thing. You know, the whole playing tackle baseball with the boyfriend, the daily runs (sometimes in the rain), the Broadway tunes that play nonstop on my iPod, James Marsters, shopping and watching chick flicks...

Once more with feeling.

Ne mets pas votre confiance dans l'homme avec le chapeau bleu

Whenever there is a thunderstorm, I am reminded of that scene in Bambi.
You know the one.


Bambi, you must get up!

(I love summer nights full of questions and embraces and relaxed expressions and fingers and hands and hearts in the right places.)

Est-ce qu'on est humain- ou est ce qu'on est les danseuses?

are we human- or are we dancers?

Tonight was an absolute gong-show: but the best kind of gong-show there is, in my opinion. I love all of you so, so much...and I can't believe that there's no more dancing. I had a really hard time this year, for whatever reasons, believing in myself physically and emotionally and...you know. I think that tonight's recital really put me in a better place. So here's to all my blue-tailed, Grecian, yo-yo-ing, painting, melissa-ing (what else can we call it?), flying and flittering, passionate, vampiresque, and undie-flashing ballerinas- here's to another fantastic season!

Dites-moi, ou sont les clounes?

 

most people are other people. their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. 

                                                              -oscar wilde

Dans ce moment

First on the agenda:
I don't fear change. In fact, I thrive off of change. I fear redundancy, and I fear being caught in a loop. I get chills when people talk about fate, as if our lives have already been written down and we are just actors in a sequence playing for some ethereal, heavenly (or otherworldly) audience. I can't stand the thought of staying in the same place for hours, days, years. I need to be moving, I want to move on with my life. I like to begin things, and sometimes, even if I am dreading it externally, I even like things to end. I am like Pocahontas:

"What I love most about rivers is:
You can't step in the same river twice
The water's always changing, always flowing
But people, I guess, can't live like that
We all must pay a price
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing
What's around the riverbend?
Waiting just around the riverbend?"

I think I fear my lack of fear of change. Won't I inevitably then find myself always unhappy? If I always need something more and something different, how can I ever be satisfied?

I fear I am boring, bland, and posing as someone half-interesting. I think I do things for the wrong reasons, and all the time. I do things because people tell me to do them and they sound exotic and exciting when I first hear them. I continue to do things I don't even think I like because it's what people expect me to do. It's what I expect me to do. People lay down a path for me to walk on, and I walk down on it because it's what I should do. I guess it's easy, even though I think it might be battering my lungs with its inert wrongness and...yeesh. I do things for the sake of the importance of having a title, a label, something for someone to be proud of me for. I do these things so that I am not just another face in the wall of dreary high school students. I think it is too important to me that I stand out. I think it is wrong for me to go on underneath a label I don't even think I care about anymore.

Do we mistake passion for natural ability? I mean, if you're stupendously good at something- not just sort of, or fairly- is it your responsability to follow through with it? Or is it really because you love doing it? Or, rather, do you love doing it because you insatiably can't get enough of whatever it is, or because you're naturally very good at it and can get recognition for hardly working at all? Is it wrong that I think that?
I don't understand life.
Tonight I am in a weird place in my mind.
It is 10:45. That is a strange, awkward time.
I feel like I don't know what I'm doing right now.


I wish I could play guitar.
I wish I knew what I truly love to do. There has to be something.

(I'm getting desperate. I fear that there is nothing I am supposed to do with my life.)

 

Un araignee de trop

I can't remember starting
And I can't imagine finishing

This time of year feels wrong to me. Everything is slowing down instead of picking up- everything is being put together, instead of falling apart. You'd think that wouldn't stress me out. But actually, I think a lack of proper schedule and a cave-in of all rigid structure messes with my brain and holds on to my ribcage too tightly.

If this is summertime, where are the soft whispers of sun and adoration on my skin?

I don't know how I feel today. I feel excited, and worried, and upset with myself, and battered. I feel up and down, and in and out, but not all around. If I was going on a bear hunt, I would have to go through it.
Through what:

• A forest of tutus
• A sea of ignored sheet music
• A valley full of polynomial equations
• A castle packed with guilt and need 
• The Land Before Time

"IT DOES NOT DO TO DWELL ON DREAMS AND FORGET HOW TO LIVE."

C'est vous que j'ai aimer pour toujours

If you don't have anything nice to say,
Don't say it at all.

Si je continue d'attendre.

And when I want to sleep, you need to move

But somehow it works out
And I need you to know that
It can always work out
Regardless of stains, trains, automobiles
Countries, universities, guitars
And I think I need you to worry about it
Just so I'm not alone

Sometimes it feels so lonely, and I need your hand in mine so bad.

 

Mon copain etait jaloux...

...So here is a picture of him as well.

Je ne verais jamais au lune...

But I may go to Paris in June.

...Not this june. It just rhymed with the title is all.

I love the rain. I love how it is fresh and I love how it curls my hair and I love how when I run around in it, my boyfriend laughs at me. I love how Hannah doesn't like it, and how Allison acts like an affronted cat when forced to be a part of it. I wonder, Allison...You don't like the rain, and you are frightened of the sun. How does such a person go on? I guess the answer is is that you are indeed a crazy cat lady, through and through.

Lately, I have been concurring upon many things.
Lately, I have been singing more and more.
Lately, I have been drinking more chai tea.
Lately, I have been caring again.

I have decided to become an art therapist.

I am much too easily swayed by anyone and anything that seems to know its way around the playing field better than I.

I have decided to become a hummingbird
As soon as I grow old
So that although my limbs slow down
Still I'll be a sight to behold
My wings a-flutter
My heart a-stutter
Full of wonderful, hummingbird things
Like helium balloons
And hollow bones
And operas and cyclones
That twirl and swirl
And color the world
With feelings unfurled
And feelers uncurled
And wings of neon, painted eons ago
To celebrate
To commemorate
To procreate
To reinstate
To conjugate
To disinflate
To mediate
To meditate
To dissipate
To reawait
To modulate
To interrelate
Like Alexander the Great
And the Aloha State.
My mother tells me I can be
Anything I want to be
I'm going to be a hummingbird
Or a cephalopod.

Hi, my name is Marc Blucas. I am sexy. I may have to have a battle with Jared Padalecki in the future.

Si je te tiens avec assez de force

Maybe my cliches would be like glue


Sometimes the winds are cold in a friendly way and sometimes the sun shines in an obnoxious unfriendly way. But you shine like the moon and blow like a tropical breeze and your skin smells like warm rain.

J'en supplie...

I guess I should ask a question.

If you were a fish, and you jumped out of your dish and discovered you could fly and didn't actually need to be in the water any longer, where would you go? What would you do?

Dans l'absence de mon amoureux

Unproven potential...
But if the potential isn't ever proven, what good is it? Do you even know it's there? This sounds suspiciously like a question that's supposed to be deep, and maybe I'm just not delving into it enough....
Never mind. I'm going to delve.

I will explain my opinion on this topic by relating to you, dear friends, three examples.

There is a little girl around the block by my house. Her name, for the sake of this example, will be Annie. She lives in an upside down teepee. But that is beside the point. The real point is that, in her heart, she knows she is a wonderful scuba diver. She understands the meaning of her deep appreciation for the slow grace that is bestowed upon waterlogged objects. She can relate to the feelings of the fish who swim in the water- the contentment they find in the secure blanket of weight and silk that oceans provide them with. She thrives in anoxic areas. (Not really. That would be weird. And we want this example as legitimate as possible.)
Although Annie is sure of her destiny and sure of her potential of being said scuba diver, she is absolutely unable to become a scuba diver. You see, she lives in Calgary. There is no ocean in Calgary, and her parents keep her locked up in a tower doing math homework for the rest of her life. There is no escape.
So. In this situation, we can see that unproven potential is worth absolutely nothing. It will not help her in the long run, ever.

Actually, you know what, I'm bored of this question and it's time for bed. So let me sum up the other two examples. I can think of three alternate situations that relate to our inner selves not materialising to their maximum extent. There is the first example, in which it is physically impossible to prove potential; it is therefore worthless and probably will make you miserable in the long run because you know (somehow) that you were made to be a scuba diver or a concert digeridooist and now you can't because of things like overprotective, tower-building, physicist parents or overprotective, stick-breaking, physicist parents and maybe you'll even end up mangling yourself and/or others in return of life's futility.
The second alternative I can muster up in my current state of mind would be that you don't know about your 'potential.' Because really, if it's completely unproven, that should mean it isn't even proven to yourself. I mean, what if you've seen all the instructional videos on envelope making there is to see? What if you've watched Hallmark greeters for hours making envelopes? What if you know by heart the pattern of the folding, the cutting, the gluing...what if you are so bloody confident in your envelope making skills that you decide FINALLY you are ready to prove your potential to the world and yourself and you fail? Your hands are covered in paper cuts and you are doomed to handing out damaged cards for the rest of your life. Was the potential ever even there? What makes us think we have potential, if it's unproven, anyways? That's a little paradoxical, if you think about it...
The last alternative that my brain can see is that you have the potential (somehow you know this without proving it, although how anyone can know something without proving it is proving to be a complicated, nonsensical entity in my frontal lobe) to be, to do, to see, and yet willingly and consciously you do nothing about it. This too, would be categorized as 'unproven'. But if you know (or have proved...fack) that you have this potential, why wouldn't you want to share it? I don't know. This question has too many loopholes.
Finally, on the potential for a person being good or bad...
Rachel's right, I think. In a way. There is potential either way. We are all born a blank slate. So to speak. I'm not completely an existentialist, but I do think that if someone hides their 'evil' away all their life, they were never evil in the first place. If nobody thinks you're evil, if you never 'prove' your potential for evil, or good for that matter, you cannot be categorized as such.

...Fack.
And Katie, I don't want to answer your question.
I like people who don't ask questions like that. Because it requires no thinking. I like nice people who are funny and outgoing and sexy. I don't like boring, fat, ugly people. I am just as prejudiced as this whole entire world, and so are you.